I keep avoiding writing this. In fact I started writing this months ago. I'm known for being an over sharer so this might sound strange but talking about actual feelings, I am rubbish at. Really rubbish at.
I couldn't give a monkeys if you know my bra size, or how many people I've slept with or that I own a Princess Leia slave girl outfit or that I have IBS & talk about farting a lot. A lot. None of that really means anything. It's just a fact. Like porcupines can float in water. That's a fact. I think. I digress.
I have also managed to write a paragraph and avoid talking about what 'this' is.
'This' being how I actually feel about the prospect of leaving London for good within the next 2 months. I think I have felt everything there is to feel and seem to have come to a stop at, well, 'resigned'. I don't know if that counts as a feeling but it pretty much sums it up. I've been sad, happy, hopeful and downright terrified.
I am going to Australia. I am moving my whole life including two children to Australia because my husband (who is an Australian) has a job in Australia now. Well, I say now, he has been out there since September. We only got married in June, so we didn't manage 3 months in the same country. He has missed anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas day, everyday kind of days. I've missed him.
The boy had his last day at school today. We wanted him to leave at the end of a term rather than half way through, plus it means his place can go to someone who can start at the beginning of next term.
Next week is my last week at choir because I need to concentrate on packing up the house & getting ready for the move. The week after that is my last day at work because I want to spend time with my family before we go.
I can't say goodbye. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to have the same conversation with every person I know on the fringes of my life. There doesn't feel a need for it. The world is smaller now. Twitter, email, skype. Those who want to can keep in touch and those who don't, don't have to. I've said hello & goodbye to the same parents at the school gate for 18 months now but I don't feel the need to say a 'proper' goodbye to them. Doesn't mean that I don't like them or that I'm not grateful for what they've done for me or the kids, I just don't want to do the 'goodbye'. It feels forced.
I don't want to have the same conversation with the people on the centre stage of my life either. I don't know how to say goodbye to my Gramma, knowing that I probably won't see her again. I don't know how to say goodbye to the people who have propped me up the last 6 months & kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I don't know how to say goodbye to my parents because I speak to them every day. I can't. I don't have the words.
I don't want a leaving do.* I don't want a fuss**. I don't want to say goodbye. I want to spend time with the people I like making some nice memories & then I want to leave. So please don't hold that against me. It's not personal, it's just how I feel.
My life at the moment seems full of 'lasts', but then at some point I guess the firsts start coming along and that's worth sticking around for. I hope it is.
* Going to the pub with choir people doesn't count, we do that anyway. There will be dirty chicken. **wouldn't say no to a hipflask mind you. £3 in Tiger ;)
